I’m Not Sure Where This is Going…

So when I blog, it’s mostly about me figuring things out.  Saying things out loud.  Making it real.  So this is me making me real.  Does your mind ever ask your heart questions?  You know the kind of questions you want to think about and figure out.  Like how will we make it work on one income with kids when we are used to living on two without kids? Or how can I really give myself fully to other people without getting lost in them? Or what if at the end of your life all your ideals are just that ideals?

To be honest, in the past 3-4 years, my mind has asked my heart those questions a thousand times.  You see, when Joel and I got married, I went on the pill.  Made perfect sense to my brain.  We weren’t ready for kids yet, and we wanted to prevent pregnancy for a while to enjoy being married first.  It was a great choice for us.  We got to enjoy each other, learn about each other, and be married for a while.  Then we decided it was time to have kids.  So it made sense for me to come off the pill.  Well, guess what my body had a hugely outrageous reaction to coming off the pill.  [I won’t go into all that here, but if you’d like to read more about the pill, you can check this site out: http://www.joyoushealth.com/blog/2013/02/06/the-truth-about-the-birth-control-pill/.  ] My hormones were wildly imbalanced.  And the truth is everybody’s body is different and reacts differently to things, so while some women experience few side effects; others will experience major side effects.  Mine were major.

My husband and I tried for approximately a year before conceiving and having a miscarriage.  But that wasn’t the worst, although that was bad.  The worst was the hormonal imbalance that occurred after coming off of it.  I had horrible night sweats, terrible mood swings, and anxiety/depression to the max.  But nobody, not one physician I saw told me this could have been caused by coming off the pill.  So I was left to look to myself and question what kind of horrible thinking patterns had gotten me to the place where I found myself.  I began to question all that I was and everything I knew.  And that was by far the worst effect of coming off the pill.  It stole my sense of identity, all due to a hormone imbalance that not one medically trained doctor even alluded to could have been caused by coming off a pill that had told my brain to stop communicating with my ovaries about hormone production and used synthetic animal based hormones instead.

I am in not into fear mongering, so I won’t jump on the big Pharma band wagon.  I will say that on a whole I do look to more natural methods of medicine ever since this happened.  But that is neither here nor there.  This is to let some woman out there who has been wondering what happened to her sense of self since she came off the pill know that you aren’t alone.  You haven’t lost yourself.  There is help.  And it won’t last forever.  I did a lot of crying and asking God why and looking to myself to try to perfect it.  And I have found that while I proclaimed to be a perfectionist, perfectionism was the coping mechanism that I used to battle the effects of the pill.  It made my symptoms far worse, and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.  But it was my way of getting a grip.  It was my way of trying to earn myself back.

So I learned to allow my mind to question my heart….and boy that took me on a road to nowhere.  Haha.  I got lost for a long time, got mad at God, ran away from the people who loved me and wanted to support me the most, and I lived in a hellish nightmare for several years.  And I say this again, because perfectionism will get you no where and neither will questioning all that God made you to be, but also to say out loud that hormone imbalance is real.  It has serious effects on women and can happen after years of poor diet, coming off the pill, or even years of childbirth and nursing.  But whatever the cause, the truth is it’s real.  And there is help.  Finding a good doctor and asking God for direction is of the utmost importance.

All that being said, I will tell you that though I hated it, God who didn’t cause my hormonal imbalance used it to redirect my heart.  To cement the me I’ve I always been and draw me back to the greatest sense of fulfillment I have known in quite some time…a real relationship, not just a Sunday religion, with Him.  He has taught me a lot about who He is as Rescuer, Lover, Forgiver, Wisdom Revealer, and Adventure Starter.  This relationship with Him has taught me has further cemented the truth of this statement by my Pastor John Nuzzo: “a man with an experience is not at the mercy of a man with an argument.”  There are a lot of things I can’t wrap my mind around, and I am learning that I don’t have to full understand.  Jesus said in Matthew 18:3: “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”  And I believe this is one of the truest and most life giving statements in the Bible.  Trusting God who becomes the real you in your spirit/heart…leads you to some of the greatest fulfillment I know.  And it’s helped me to realize that we are all on different points in this journey with Him so judging the actions of another will never help them or me.

I didn’t say living out of your heart or being the truest sense of the you God made you to be was easy on your flesh, but it provides the kind of satisfaction knowing that wherever you are, though it can be a challenge to get back to that quiet voice that brings peace and faith especially in the midst of an anxious battle like hormone imbalance or depression or cancer or just life’s circumstances, can ground you in the most uncertain times. And though this season of life won’t last forever, I trust that God will guide and direct this path not in my common sense or logical way all the time, but that path will lead me closer and more directly to the life that truly fulfills me.   And no you don’t have to be perfect.  Just call out to the one who made you and loves you in the most illogical way, and He will lead you and guide you.  He’s helped me start to break down my prideful walls and ask for help and to really see the beauty of all that I have around me.  Because there’s lots of beauty. The world we live in often calls us into one of two camps…acceptance or rejection.  I was in the acceptance group constantly sacrificing the real me for keep up with what others thought of me and being in the popular group.  I am so thankful He’s begun to help me really be me.   So just be you.  It might take a while to figure out who that is, but it will lead to the greatest peace, the greatest fulfillment, and the greatest adventure you have ever known because it will surround you with the exact kind of love that your unique heart needs from the One who created that perfectly unique heart.

This mystery has been kept in the dark for a long time, but now it’s out in the open. God wanted everyone, not just Jews, to know this rich and glorious secret inside and out, regardless of their background, regardless of their religious standing. The mystery in a nutshell is just this: Christ is in you, so therefore you can look forward to sharing in God’s glory. It’s that simple. That is the substance of our Message. We preach Christ, warning people not to add to the Message. We teach in a spirit of profound common sense so that we can bring each person to maturity. To be mature is to be basic. Christ! No more, no less. That’s what I’m working so hard at day after day, year after year, doing my best with the energy God so generously gives me. (Colossians 1:26-29 MSG)

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About ajoyborrelli

My daughter, Emme, came into my life in December of 2011. I recently resigned a teaching position to be a stay at home mom and take care of her. This blog chronicles our days, activities, and lessons learned along the way!
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