Oh my, little did I know how appropriate the name I chose for my blog would be. I chose it on a whim several years ago after having Emme. This post is from the heart. And my heart has been filled, changed, listened to, and I’m learning to listen to it better than I did a few years ago. Today is really all about me. I hope it touches you, but most of the time that I write, I write fro me. To get my thoughts down and solidified and right in my heart. It’s like once they’re written and published, they are real. Weird, I know, but oh so right. It’s kind of like drawing a line in the sand. Well, today, I need to draw a line in the sand of my heart.
So you know how I have struggled with hormonal imbalance, I saw a Dr., who put me on bioidentical DHEA and progresterone, and I must say, I feel like a whole new me. Like the old me, but there are lessons I have learned over the past few years that aren’t worth forgetting just because I feel good. I am so glad to feel good, to sleep, to have energy, to be on the road to recovery, but if I do all those things and lose my soul….what have I gained?
You know I quit my job almost 3 years ago now, and I had the thought today that if I had just know what the issue was I probably would have just gotten help and kept on working. And I think back now, and while my flesh ( and I have to be honest lest you think I am a saint) thinks oh man, we could have made so much money, had a bigger house, newer cars, crazy great vacations for the kids, more stuff, my heart can’t help but think of the real riches I would have missed. I would have missed first steps, first words, crazy fun memories, growth as a mom, great mom friends, relationships with women and kids that are irreplaceable, and an utter dependency on a God who has done nothing but grow and love me and lead me higher and lift off burdens. And while maybe it doesn’t seem as glamorous, it’s real. It’s fulfilling. It’s fun. It’s scary. And it’s me, my heart, my purpose.
Quitting work has brought the pace of my life down. It’s helped my heart and the voice of the Holy Spirit in my life become real and known to me. It seems so mysterious, and it is until you begin to listen…and then it’s peace and rest and joy and it’s not because you strived by the sweat of your brow to earn it. It’s because His still, small voice led you to it. Oh how the pressure is relieved, but the step is scary at first. But the coolest thing about God is He constantly shows up, even when I thought I was following Him but made a mistake. He is the coolest best parent on the planet. He wants you to get it. He’s not screaming at you for messing up and needing His help and hoping for you to become independent one day. He wants your utter dependence forever, so He can bless and guide you down the best path for your life And the coolest thing is that there is even a verse that says that.
Psalm 32:8New Living Translation (NLT)
8 The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you.
The one way I always know the difference between the voice of the Lord in my heart and my own mind is because of the feeling it creates within me. Even though the path the Lord leads me down may be scary, there’s always a peace that far outweighs the scariness. I think this is mostly because not only is He leading, but He is providing and making the way straight. It’s all a work of His from start to finish, and none of mine. But it’s so peaceful. I’ve learned so many lessons over the past few years, and this post will NOT be able to recount enough of them, but I do know His lessons have enriched my life. They may have been hard on my flesh, and I don’t think anyone wants to hear that, but they’ve made my life better, more satisfying, less striving, more at rest.
I’ve learned that it really is more blessed to give because in giving you will be so richly blessed. The joy that comes from being good to people will far outweigh mostly anything. I’ve also learned that the only thing that really satisfies are the good and perfect things that come from God, and I can strive for things but I’ll be in a never ending battle….never satisfied….always needing something better. I’ve also learned that keep my eyes on my own row will keep much happier than any comparison to another person, their gifts, their possessions, their family, anything. And I’ve learned I don’t have to be everything to everyone including my kids and my husband. God did NOT make me to do that. That is why He placed all the people in our lives that He did. They have roles to play, but more importantly He has the best role to play. I’ve learned that my calling is specific to me, and no one can do what I was called to do and I shouldn’t try to usurp someone else’s role. It won’t go well. I’ve learned that God has eyes that I don’t. He can see it all. And following His leading helps me avoid trouble. Now there is some trouble that just comes from being in this fallen world, but there is other avoidable trouble that I will miss if I listen to Him instead of my 90 mile an hour brain. His ways and thoughts are definitely higher and better than mine. I’ve learned that without Him and His voice and direction I am nothing. But more than anything I have learned that He loves me so much and His plan for me is good….far better than my own. And if I trust Him, He will fulfill me in ways that no earthly thing or person ever could.
Let Him win your heart. Start to listen. I am not sure what He is telling you to do, but He won’t fail you. In fact just this morning, I felt led to do something and he has opened up doors that have seemed shut for a little while. He will never lead you anywhere that He won’t provide for you and fulfill you. It seems scary, but it’s the safest place you can be.